Choosing Love

It's been awhile since I've posted. Life has been full of twists and turns.  
The post below was written a few months ago and edited as my heart has calmed and healed incrementally.  I still wanted to share it as hopefully it will help explain a bit about how this summer has gone...  

Living as an expat has its pleasures and challenges.  As an adventurous sort, I thrived for the most part.  Experiencing other cultures at a depth that no traveler truly can match is something that defies easy explanation and I loved it. 
This past year on sabbatical I had hoped to rekindle relationships that had been neglected through too much distance.  Spending extra time in the USA with family and friends, was a joy.  My mom and I took a dream trip together to Europe and I was able to attend weddings, a funeral, and our family reunion that normally would have been missed.  The entire year seems to have lasted a month although my head and heart both recognise that this year has seen many happy miles and even more heartache.  

My husband Corey and I had spent much of the past three years apart.  From my perspective we were a team, working in tandem to start a business in Thailand.  Whenever I asked him if he was doing “Ok” with me gone so much, he said, “Of course!”  That said, I knew things weren’t right between us particularly last summer as his behaviour seemed to be attempting to try to make me give up on us.  In my mind this just reinforced the need for my sabbatical and to spend more time together.  Time in the USA, particularly at our beach house with our granddaughter was joyful, at least for me.  He left first to head back for Asia, before Christmas.  I was to follow after New Year’s.  He had a job to return to in Langkawi Malaysia and I wanted to milk out a bit more time with loved ones.  
While in Langkawi, our relationship was like a roller coaster.  Corey was sulky and occasionally mean.  He was not happy in the job he was doing and was grounded from skydiving, which he loves, by a knee injury.  After so many times, asking if he was “Ok” the past three years and trusting his answer, it became starkly apparent that this was not true.  We finally had the discussion that should have happened ages before.  
As planned, I left SE Asia to attend yoga teacher’s training in Rishikesh, India.  Upon my departure, we had determined that our marriage was destroyed.  
While in India, I had Sundays off, otherwise we were busy from sunrise to sunset.  One Sunday afternoon found me on standing on the banks of the mighty Ganges River, arguably the most revered and spiritual river in India.  I prayed for a sign.  My heart was aching and broken, although at the same time through my yoga training, I was also being supported by my fellow students and teachers while growing in body and soul.  Looking down on the rocky shore of the river, I saw a heart shaped rock.  My mind took me immediately to what I thought was the answer to my prayer, to ‘Choose Love.’  Because I very much wanted our sixteen year relationship to continue, to be together and travel, to laugh, and enjoy all the things we had spent years working towards, I reached out to my husband through text in the evenings.  He answered back. I was still willing to try to salvage our marriage relationship.  I’m not truly sure why, and many would think less of me for trying so hard to keep us together.  Maybe it is because I realise that no one is perfect, including myself.  Trust is a tricky thing.  It can be broken in an instant and takes years to rebuild but it can be done.  
We talked on the phone, we chatted online, and although I intermittently raged as my pain was palpable, we also talked about starting over.  Love was on my mind and in my heart.  I thought I was choosing love and following the path I was meant to take.  
Fast-forwarding a few months, finds us in the USA spending time together with family, friends, and each other.  I had believed we were on track to move forward together but this was not to be.  Corey filed for divorce and has since returned to Thailand.  
During one of many sleepless nights, my thoughts returned to India and that heart shaped rock.  Although I was actively grieving the loss of my marriage, the person I thought was my best friend, and my soulmate and grieving the utter undoing of what I had expected as my future, I realised I was meant to Choose Love.  I chose to love myself and allow the people that have always been there for me to support and love me back. 
The rock was a sign that I didn’t understand at first because I was holding so desperately to a dream.  This dream was no longer shared by who I believed was my partner.  In truth, they had stopped being my partner long ago.  
Currently, I find myself rudderless.  Many people ask me,  “What are you planning to do?  Where will you work? Where will you live? Are you staying in the USA??”  These are all fair, logical questions considering the life I have lived over the past many years.  So many options are open to me but with a shattered heart my mind can’t seem to focus on much more than breathing.  
So, please be patient while I Choose Love.  Keep loving me and encouraging me.  I appreciate every single one of you.  Right now it is a bit difficult to love myself as I feel rejected, replaced, and frankly am not sure what my plans are.  I know I’m a smart strong woman who will find her way I just don’t feel like it right now.  
Considering this blog was our way to share our expat life with you, I am also not sure what it will become.  So many adventures chronicled, so many memories that are now painful to revisit.  Time will determine what Sailgirl Design looks like, stay tuned!

So, there you have it.  
The sweet spot in this story is that love surrounds me. I'm finding my way thanks to family, friends, and, of course, time.  
I'm back in Oregon, settling in to a house that will be inhabited by some of my favourite people- my mom, Jenny, and Zoe.  We are in SE Portland, near downtown and in the middle of all Portland has to offer.  
I've taken a new job with a small, exciting healthcare company.  I will be home based with travel in the PACNW.   Hopefully my wanderlust can be quelled with trips to the beach and the occasional vacation for a few years then I may have to "take off" again... time will continue to heal and inspire.

The picture above was taken in Rockaway Beach, OR.   'Hearts' pop up regularly here and there to remind me how much I'm loved-- I'm so thankful!  Come visit us!  This blog will continue... but likely with a focus on local travel. 
p.s.  There should be a separate blog coming soon... likely called "Four Aprons" chronicalling the fun and adventures of 4 generations of females living in an old Portland house...